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In the face of it, well, it didn't matter. Not to me anyway. I had made my choice long ago; and whether he, or anyone else, was convinced it was the wrong choice I was bound to make. It was my choice to make, and mine alone. 
So here I stand at this crossroad now, far away from what used to be my safe haven, to make another choice, all on my own. If I had listened with my mind to what they had said back then, I would not stand here today. And once again I have to decide if I should follow my mind, or my heart. 
In following my mind; would that not make a sane decision but leave my heart scarred and with the passing of the years, with all the regret, make me insane, wanting to live outside of the real world. In following my heart; would that not make my heart grow stronger, but make me doubt all the time, for reason does not defy logic, while matters of the heart most often do.
Why do I feel powerless now, unable to make a choice. Is it because the choice is so much harder to make, or is it because I do not have any voices stating their view on the matter, urging me to make the choice for what they view as the better one. My mind says the latter, my heart just doesn't know.
Should I turn and go in search of what I have left behind, or should I continue to follow the path I have been walking? Or maybe is there a third road I can choose? I look up to the sky. The clouds are drifting by. Little specks of white and grey in a vast blue sky. 

Then I suddenly decide; defying logic and heart at the same time. It is time to follow the wind. It is time to stop struggling for either one direction or the other. It is time to start walking towards where the clouds drift, follow the falling leaves in fall, wander with the snowflakes in winter, and when the spring comes... maybe I will have found a destination to stay a while, and if not, there will be other things to follow.

So make the choice, not to make a choice. I follow the chance of ending up some place neither my mind, nor my heart would have taken me. Maybe both will even end up happy. Who knows.

Picture from pixabay.


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mijn meisje, mijn lieve meisje
ik ben gebroken, maar voor jou ook blij

jij jaagt nu op spookmuisjes
en vangt vast spookvogeltjes

mijn meisje, mijn lieve meisje

in de poezenhemel woon je nu
voor altijd jong
voor altijd vrij

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ik mis je
ik mis je

je was bijna je hele leven
een heel groot deel van dat van mij

Already his

erratic thoughts run wild
my brain pulsating with unruly life

death - so inviting
an idyllic image anchored in my mind
of secret glances & romantic dances

he awaits me
till last breath ~ soon

this life, this world
I won't miss

carve my name into stone
I am already gone
I am already his

Wat altijd zal zijn

nu het donker wordt en wij ouder
kijk ik terug - niet achteruit
zie de gloed van jouw gedachten
zo warm en zo mooi
als een brug van wat eens was
naar wat altijd zal zijn - jij
een zachte trilling in de lucht
als van een vleugelslag - vrij